


Being Condemned

by happinesssdeceit (crescenttwins)



Series: Last Words Soulmate AU [7]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Manga Spoilers, Soulmarks, Tissue Warning, Tokyo Ghoul: re
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-19
Updated: 2015-05-19
Packaged: 2018-03-31 06:13:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3967456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crescenttwins/pseuds/happinesssdeceit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"There’s an old saying about those who cannot remember the past being condemned to repeat it. But those of us who refuse to forget the past are condemned to relive it." - Emily Thorne</p><p>AKA Haise soulmate AU angst in a pre-TG:re setting</p>
            </blockquote>





	Being Condemned

**Author's Note:**

> never-gunna-give-memes-up asked: "I know the Twin Souls AU takes place in TGA but I would like to see some Haise angst if possible."
> 
> ANGST WARNING: Please take breaks between parts if you are experiencing any kind of distress; and let me know if there are trigger tags or warnings you would like to be added to any installment in this series.
> 
> EDIT: It was brought to my attention that the repressed memories in this section may be an additional trigger. This tag has not been added to avoid spoilers for :Re.

This one’s a _child_ , Haise remembers thinking, looking at the files of the— of _his_ squad members.And this is insane, what looks like the CCG’s Hail Mary against the ever rising ranks of the ghouls. He puts the file down, eyes scanning the area briefly before sipping his now lukewarm coffee.He sighs, blowing out more air than strictly necessary to see the decoration on the table spin, glass crystals clinking together charmingly.Shards of colored light dance across the table, a flurry of bright triangles that warp together and away. Mismatched and hidden— just like ghouls.  

And just like humans.

Placing the coffee cup down, Haise skims the file in front of him again. Like a broken clock hand, his eyes get stuck on the same place. Always, on every document, and it’s stupid.It’s _stupid,_ because it isn’t something that’s going to affect their ability to work as an investigator, nor their willingness to get along. Yet a curl of envy rises from his belly, same as always, and he foolishly lets his eyes drift over the words again.

> **Soulmark** _:_ **REDACTED** _(art.XXI, TGR Amend. Sect. II)_  
>  _Authorization #02482873:_ Waiver signed by candidate*   
>  _Authorization #02482872:_ Waiver requested from candidate  
>  *Documentation available to Special Class, Associate Special Class, and First Class Investigators upon request

Haise’s file’s not different— it reads exactly the same, and can be requested exactly the same way.The difference comes on the piece of paper the investigator would receive.Because while this candidate’s documentation will provide an image, text and location, Haise Sasaki’s page is blank, except for two lines of text. The paper is barren, like the skin of his body. 

> Haise Sasaki, Rank 1 Ghoul Investigator  
>  _Soulmark not present; soulmate status unknown, presumed deceased_

 More than anything else, it’s what makes Haise reach into the recesses of his mind, seeking out any scraps of memory, of sensation, that he can find. There’s a blur of where his memory begins and ends.  Haise’s never been able to find out why.  But other questions come quicker: When did he learn to fight? (From who?) Who was important to him? (Why?) His head aches each time he thinks of it, and abruptly, images of a white floor and sensation of a heavy weight in his arms slip into the front of his consciousness.  Chasing the image, Haise slips away from the cafe and into bright light in the blank expanse of his mind.  What was he carrying? There’s a sense, like a whisper at the back of his mind, that it is _important_.  It’s important, whatever he was carrying. And the ground, falling away, and staring, at—

"Sasaki.”

Haise jerks back, arms immediately covering the confidential papers in front of him.His eyes search out the familiar figure of Akira Mado.Her face is worried but stern, eyes clear.After searching his face, Akira turns to the waitress to ask for a glass of water. Then, slipping into the seat beside him, she questions, “Have you finished reviewing your new squad?”

“Yes,” Haise says, “but they’re so young—“ He stutters when he sees her lips turn downward, backtracks slightly. “They might not be mature enough to work as a group.”

“Which is why they have you to lead them. You’re a capable investigator in the field, and this team will be the closest thing to a safeguard against the ghoul organizations that we have.They are adapting, changing and learning over time— we have to do the same.”She accepts the glass of water a waitress brings to her. 

“I’ll…do my best,” Haise says, finally. 

“We have high expectations for you, as always, Sasaki.” Akira responds.“You aren’t one to fail.”  

A prickle of pride starts along his spine, and he sits a little taller. 

“By the way,” Akira says, “Do you always read paperwork in cafes?”

“Yes,” Haise says, “it helps me to be away from the office, since I always have a latte on my mind.”A grin slips on his face as he awaits her response. 

“Flat as always, Sasaki. Well, the Mado Squad will always be willing to hear out your jokes after you try them on your subordinates.” Akira nods at him, standing.“I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon to meet your new squad with the bureau chief.”

“Thank you,” Haise says, watching her back through the glass window until she turns a corner, vanishing into the crowd. With a sigh, he packs his own paperwork, slipping a bill under his cup to cover the drinks and tip.Tomorrow, huh. 

The walk home from the cafe is short, an easy block that hasn’t had ghoul activity for nearly six months.Still, his eyes glance through the crowd, flickering over people, looking for signs of a threat.Haise’s philosophy isn’t popular in the CCG, but no one can argue with his results: _Cripple ghouls, remove their weapons and force them into custody. Kill only when necessary.Don’t do unnecessary damage. Don’t torture the ghoul. Above all, prioritize your comrades and civilians._

He slips into his home, surrounded by moving boxes, and places his bag down to do a cursory sweep of the apartment.  Nothing out of the ordinary.

Tomorrow, he will leave this place to cohabit with his new squad.  Already mourning his personal space, Haise pulls a change of clothes out of a box near the bathroom, closes the door; meets his own eyes in the mirror.  Still normal, still sane.  The episode from earlier wasn’t long enough to make _him_ appear.  Haise was still here.  

Still present.  

Methodically stripping, Haise’s eyes roam over each expanse of exposed skin, disappointed as always when no soulmark appears before his eyes.  

As always, only his tattoo mars Haise’s skin, inked into his right shoulder; an oath (from a time he can’t remember) to survive. The skin puckers oddly around each letter, and…it’s nice, sometimes, to be able to trace the letters without looking.  

But sometimes in his dreams, he will have the oddest sensation of touch of his right shoulder, blood slipping out of the tattoo like an open wound.As the blood vanishes into the abyss of the dreamscape, _he_ will come, muttering wetly; it is the only time _he_ doesn’t speak to Haise, remaining seated in the center of the room.Haise has only gotten close enough to hear _him_ once, and what he heard was the same phrase, repeated over and over again.

Staring at his shoulder, Haise wonders what worth these words had to _him_ , and to his past self.He wonders what drove him to want the words to be permanent.And he knows he’s forgotten something important, something mixed into the muddy fog of his first twenty years, something covered in sludge and blood. But it’s gone, he’s sure.  

It’s been gone for a while now. 


End file.
